Short today. Tired. 

We had a rehearsal last night for the concert Thursday... It's going to be comically bad. An absolute train wreck. 

R came over before and we drove together then hung out afterwards. My brain is confused. He bought me coffee and Subway and then we cuddled. He's really attractive and crazy talented. Merp.

We have a trip to Cedar Point coming up in a couple weeks. I don't know how that's going to go. Thinking about it just makes my head hurt more. I don't know if I'm traveling by bus or driving with him but either way it should be fun. Unless I dissolve into a puddle of confusion and mixed emotions. Then not so fun.

Fuck government.

Fuck AP exams.

I have to work tonight.

I lost my phone charger. 

What is the sun and where do I find it?

The struggle is real today. Wish me luck and if that doesn't work, bail me out.

- A

P.P.S. I want to thank a friend for ice cream and puppy therapy yesterday!!!

- A

I have had a HELL of a weekend folks. It sort of gives away my location but I went to the Cher concert Friday night and let me tell you, it was a deeply religious experience... and I'm a secularist. There aren't many 17 year old girls who idolize a 68 year old performer but I am most definitely one of them. And can we just talk about the people in attendance of the concert? Soooooo many trannies, it was awesome!

Got into a huge fight with R over some stupid shit which led to more stupid shit and I'm sorry, but he takes everything WAY too personally. Honestly, he acts more like a girl than I do sometimes. I think we may be on our way out again. He's talking about how getting back together with me was a mistake and I'm talking to three gorgeous new guys. Oopsie. I love him but I'm not sure I can tiptoe around his feelings all summer. So much inner turmoil... but I'm sick of being called a selfish bitch just because I put my friends and family before him sometimes. Plus isn't it a douchebag move to leave a hickey on a girl's collarbone so that she's forced to wear t-shirts and keep what is "his" covered? Uh huh, yeah. Insecurity complex.

And it gets better. I was freaking out about a solo performance I had saturday afternoon at 3. He knew how nervous I was but he had to work a double all day and couldn't come, and I understood that. That was fine. What wasn't fine is when he got called off last minute and went to lunch with a friend instead of coming to support me. Then he acted like I was the one in the wrong for being upset about it. What the literal fuck? Look dude, I broke up with you once and I survived. I'm still here and honestly I think I'm stronger for it. What the hell makes you think that I won't do it again? It was messy and it hurt sometimes but I was still me and I was ready to move on. YOU weren't.

This whole thing has just given me a gentle reminder regarding longevity. Whatever we are feeling now, no matter how indelible it may seem, it is fleeting. It is a blip on the radar of what will go on to be the rest of your life. You will be fine.

I'm gonna talk about the new guys for a second.

Z: We have lived down the street from each other for 12 years. In kindergarten he was the first boy ever to kiss me (after which I slugged him and knocked him over). After that year he was held back because of where his birthday fell and we sort of lost touch. I have had a crush on him ever since. We would hang out in the summer but during the school year he was a football star and one of the popular kids and I was the brainiac music girl that was just sort of friends with everyone. I am the assistant manager at our development pool now and the other night Z came over to fill out some application stuff to be a lifeguard this summer. I found out that he broke up with the privileged rich girl  he was seeing and is now single as can be. There was still that spark and we started talking the other day. We may grab a bite to eat or something in the next week, so I guess we'll see where that goes... (think about the music video for "You Belong with Me" and you'll have a little insight as to our relationship).

K: Totally hot swimmer that likes pickup trucks and cowboy hats that I have talked to on and off for a couple months. He's still a little hung-up on an ex but I am pretty confident that I can make him forget about her... This one also sort of interests me in that we don't have a huge long history and he's new and mysterious and rides a motorcycle for craps sake. I mean, come on!

T: Oh boy. T is one of my favorite mistakes. We are one another's longest running relationship in a way. We got together back in November of 2012 and we were honestly and truly dreadful as a couple. It was comical how much we didn't work well together and it was sort of whatever. We accepted it and moved on to become really awesome friends. Then around spring 2013 we started sort of "hanging out" again and that continued any time we were both single to date ( single for the most part, but we're not discussing my indiscretions right now). He's fun and neither of us is looking for commitment out of it and he's on the outs with his long distance girlfriend and I can't help but wonder if history is going to repeat itself. He's going to school 40 minutes away so I guess we have plenty of time to see what happens with that.

So yeah, say what you want about me but I'm excited to spend my summer single and meeting new people and keeping my opportunities open.

My life sounds like a soap opera:
Will she try and make it work with the man she thought was her soulmate? Will she finally pursue a summer romance with the boy next door? Will she take the mysterious new guy for a spin? Or will she fall back into old habits with the only guy that has ever really stuck around?

Tune in tomorrow for more!

- A

P.S. School blows.

Ya know what really really pisses me off? Dress codes. I understand to some degree but as long as all of the essentials are covered this should be a non-issue. The logic is that we need to dress appropriately (which is a gray area in and of itself) in order to succeed in the "real world". Hate to break it to you but we're not all going to end up as stuffy old teachers that have nothing better to do with their time than reprimand me for my shoulder showing.

They act like we've never been in the "real world"... We see how adults dress; DIFFERENTLY. Clothing and appearance is a form of expression and a medium that everybody has access to it. It's like we're all given a blank canvas and we get to customize it how we want. Why does a board of administrators get to say what the right way to do that is? If pink hair and ripped jeans make her feel good about herself, fantastic! They should be encouraging that independence, not squashing it. If she is more comfortable in yoga pants or wants to show off a dress she's been saving for, who are you to tell her different?

The idea that I have to change what I'm wearing because the boy next to me is all hot and bothered by my sexy fucking shoulder showing is absolutely ludicrous. I love my body and I should have the ability to showcase it however I feel is appropriate.

The message shouldn't be that young women need to change how they look and feel, it should be that society should stop judging them and worse yet, SEXUALIZING them for dressing the way they want. As long as I'm not actively hurting or offending somebody then everyone should keep their mouths SHUT.

- a very flustered A

I'm back! R and school crap have killed my free time the past couple days. I'm scheduling my classes for next year and I am so happy that I'm finally taking classes that pertain to my major. Intro to Sociology, Intro to Psych, and Intro to Criminal Justice are all in there. Now I need to convince the counselors to make it happen. Trying to schedule around my fall golf schedule is such a bitch, I can't have any classes between like 2 and 7 Monday-Friday. That's 90% of the courses I'm looking for. Ugh.

I was almost killed by a rogue old lady trying to turn over three lanes of traffic the other day. I really laid on my horn for the first time having my license. My $200 school laptop flew against my dashboard and my freshly baked and purchased cupcakes were more than a little worse for wear. In the hope of not sounding like Hitler, I must confess a controversial opinion (shocking, I know). I think after the age of 60 or so, people should have to pass their actual drivers test again. Maneuverability, road test, etc. It's not meant in a discriminatory way, but it's a biological fact that senses and reaction time deteriorate and that is a real danger to have on the road.

I'm pretty excited to be taking my mom to a concert tonight. She has wanted to see this performer for a while and I bought the tickets back in October. It's gonna be great!

My mom dropped off my physics project at school today and it was misinterpreted as a box of diapers. I cannot WAIT to see the rumors that come out of this honestly. On the upside my Government teacher was having a hard week and he got a laugh out of it, so I'm gonna call it a win/lose.

I'll probably write sometime this weekend because I only work on Sunday. I just have to soundproof a box and I have a performance tomorrow afternoon in a local showcase, a duet and a solo actually. I'll let you know how that goes, but i'm not the most optimistic.

Rainbows and unicorn poop!

- A

P.S. My songs are "Doin' What Comes Nat'rally" and "What is this Feeling?" incase you were wondering...